confused

you said so many things yesterday
i can't get these words out of my head
they keep turning
and turning
and turning over in my mind
i'm trying to make some sense
some meaning
some hope
from them
but i
am
just
confused.

why would you say that?
it makes my heart fill as if
with helium
to carry me away
into clouds
but it would be so cold
and my heart will burst
with the conclusion that
what you said
is not what you meant
and i
am still
confused.

i should just ask you
what your intention is,
shouldn't i?
but what would the answer be?
and the last thing
i want
is for you to feel
as if
i am making
something out of nothing
and making you
feel uncomfortable.
so i guess
i'll just stay
confused.

music #2

stuff i've been listening to lately: a lot of 'hurray for the riff raff'. it's a cool little band, i think it's a singer and a guitarist and rotating other members? i'm not sure, but i do know i've been listening to 'i know it's wrong (but that's alright)' and 'hungry ghost' on repeat. i first listened to them when i was listening to a podcast called 'welcome to nightvale'; in every episode, they feature a song from starting musicians. i heard 'little black star' and i don't know why i loved it so much. it makes me remember some time i spent in florida, in a small town where everyone knew each other and gators definitely lurked around. the band's newer songs are just as good, something i don't say often. the style of music you may connect to small towns and conservative thinking contrasts to lyrics that aren't about trucks and tractors, but about puerto rico and murder. it's a fun ride. the first song i mentioned is the most upbeat, the second one is about self discovery, the third about swamps and jesus (not in the way you think). i'm a fan, i don't know about you.

the way i love you

the way i love you
is the way teens love each other
watching you laugh
makes me forget
that i have a test tomorrow
and that my essay
is due next week
holding your hand
causes a spark
to travel up my arm and settle in my heart
wondering if you feel it too
or if this is just
what you do
with all your friends
i can only love you as much
as my years will allow
but it flows from me
directly to you
none of the bullshit of
having a list of people to check
and see if they'll date you
it's pure
and young
and a mess once it reaches your ears
and you say
"i don't think of you like that"
and maybe my heart breaks a little
but this is the way i love you
the way teens love each other
and i know i haven't poured
my whole being into you
because we're young
and i don't have much to give
i know i will mend
maybe quickly
most likely; quickly
it doesn't mean
i didn't love you

music #1

i'm listening to a lot of stuff on soundcloud, and one song i really like is 'used to have' from artist thenightshift. it's just vocals and acoustic (and some clapping), but still has some layers. the simplicity of the lovely melody really makes me feel like i've listened to this song long ago somewhere, and i love it.

fifteen and two days

im fifteen and two days old
three people asked me where i wanted to go to college
what i wanted to be
i said im only fifteen, don't rush me
and i said it with a smile and a laugh
i didn't say that my biggest hobby
is listening to music
that makes me float away
on a cloud of misplaced nostalgia
my other hobbies including
drawing things that don't belong
flowers on planets, faces on the moon and sun
also reading stories
that take me somewhere i've never been
i wonder what college this will get me into
which job i'll get
because i'm only fifteen and two days
and i don't think i'm supposed
to know

before all this

i remember when i begged and begged my dad
for an ipad
cuz the other kids had one and i didn't
and i wanted all the games they played
all the information i could access
all the things i could learn
i  remember a time before all that
when blackberries were the cellphone
and i could play snakes on my mom's nokia
and all my music was stuffed on a little ipod nano
and i sang along to the cheetah girls and the spice girls
annoying my brother during long car rides
i remember when i read when i was bored
when i could dive deep into someone else's story
to get away
now i swim deeper
into holes on google
videos lead to videos
and i've watched for hours on end
and i don't get anything done
before all this
i felt better

what i want (if you wanted it too)

long car trips
for which we both made playlists
burned onto empty CDs
yours with your favorite chill mixes
and mine 
with indie pop and alternative rock
stopping at gas stations
and local shops
to buy mints for me
and caramels for you
looks from small town folk
as we giggle to ourselves
in corners
and hallways
as unknown as we'll ever be
we'll leave places like this
and never come back
always hand in hand
-maj

hi

welcome to a thought dump blog. hey, you should listen to good music. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-21yy-2hYg it's french, and i like this one because it sounds like cold summer, when it's not really autumn but you can almost smell it. don't know how other people interpret it because i've never encountered anyone who has listened to this song. i found it by internet stalking evelyne brochu. maybe check up on this blog because i'll keep putting up cool music and interesting thoughts.
-maj