words as meaning

singing songs in elementary school
was my favorite thing to do
i looked forward to the day, every year
where i could be loud
and it was beautiful
not annoying

my music teacher
had us sing a song
with the word 'gay' in it
'it's okay if you guys don't want to sing that word,'
she said,
'it used to mean happy, now it means...
something else.'

we still sang it.
because we were little
and didn't know what the
'something else'
was

and even if we did
would it matter?

the meaning behind our words
can be hidden behind layers
and layers
of irony and sarcasm and metaphoric walls

or plain as plain.

maybe the meaning of  some words
is hidden from us
for reasons we don't know
or don't care about
for the weight they hold
in a society obsessed
with using them correctly

they forget
words aren't a science
they are an art
at heart.

i could listen to you forever

i walked
with the wind
blowing my short hair
into my eyes

i looked
both ways
before crossing
the street

the world is golden
the sun lowering
onto the tops
of buildings

i arrive at one
the library
through its doors i find warmth
in the absence of the cold wind

i am early
and to my surprise
you're already sitting there
and i realize i'm not so surprised

i like this budding routine
we sit there, talking
you talked for forty minutes straight
and i wasn't once bored

confused

you said so many things yesterday
i can't get these words out of my head
they keep turning
and turning
and turning over in my mind
i'm trying to make some sense
some meaning
some hope
from them
but i
am
just
confused.

why would you say that?
it makes my heart fill as if
with helium
to carry me away
into clouds
but it would be so cold
and my heart will burst
with the conclusion that
what you said
is not what you meant
and i
am still
confused.

i should just ask you
what your intention is,
shouldn't i?
but what would the answer be?
and the last thing
i want
is for you to feel
as if
i am making
something out of nothing
and making you
feel uncomfortable.
so i guess
i'll just stay
confused.

music #2

stuff i've been listening to lately: a lot of 'hurray for the riff raff'. it's a cool little band, i think it's a singer and a guitarist and rotating other members? i'm not sure, but i do know i've been listening to 'i know it's wrong (but that's alright)' and 'hungry ghost' on repeat. i first listened to them when i was listening to a podcast called 'welcome to nightvale'; in every episode, they feature a song from starting musicians. i heard 'little black star' and i don't know why i loved it so much. it makes me remember some time i spent in florida, in a small town where everyone knew each other and gators definitely lurked around. the band's newer songs are just as good, something i don't say often. the style of music you may connect to small towns and conservative thinking contrasts to lyrics that aren't about trucks and tractors, but about puerto rico and murder. it's a fun ride. the first song i mentioned is the most upbeat, the second one is about self discovery, the third about swamps and jesus (not in the way you think). i'm a fan, i don't know about you.

the way i love you

the way i love you
is the way teens love each other
watching you laugh
makes me forget
that i have a test tomorrow
and that my essay
is due next week
holding your hand
causes a spark
to travel up my arm and settle in my heart
wondering if you feel it too
or if this is just
what you do
with all your friends
i can only love you as much
as my years will allow
but it flows from me
directly to you
none of the bullshit of
having a list of people to check
and see if they'll date you
it's pure
and young
and a mess once it reaches your ears
and you say
"i don't think of you like that"
and maybe my heart breaks a little
but this is the way i love you
the way teens love each other
and i know i haven't poured
my whole being into you
because we're young
and i don't have much to give
i know i will mend
maybe quickly
most likely; quickly
it doesn't mean
i didn't love you

music #1

i'm listening to a lot of stuff on soundcloud, and one song i really like is 'used to have' from artist thenightshift. it's just vocals and acoustic (and some clapping), but still has some layers. the simplicity of the lovely melody really makes me feel like i've listened to this song long ago somewhere, and i love it.

fifteen and two days

im fifteen and two days old
three people asked me where i wanted to go to college
what i wanted to be
i said im only fifteen, don't rush me
and i said it with a smile and a laugh
i didn't say that my biggest hobby
is listening to music
that makes me float away
on a cloud of misplaced nostalgia
my other hobbies including
drawing things that don't belong
flowers on planets, faces on the moon and sun
also reading stories
that take me somewhere i've never been
i wonder what college this will get me into
which job i'll get
because i'm only fifteen and two days
and i don't think i'm supposed
to know